Whether you're putting yourself out there on the dating scene for the first time in years, looking to reinvigorate your sex life or want to put the magic back in your relationship, the topic of sex might feel awkward.
But it doesn’t have to be this way!
Let’s take a look at what older guys like in bed.
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They want to be appreciated in the bedroom
Reassuring someone in the bedroom is one of the best ways to make them open up to you and be fully present with you. Once they relax, they’ll give themselves to the moment.
Even if a person is super confident in the bedroom, they still like to be appreciated. They want to feel desired. By complimenting them on what they do, how they look, and how much they turn you on, you make them feel desired. You can do that before even entering the bedroom - consider it a form of foreplay.
You shouldn't just hand out compliments before heading to the bedroom either - you should compliment your man throughout the day/week. If you tell him he looks hot at breakfast, he'll spend the day feeling good about himself. Come nightfall, he's more likely to "be in the mood."
What’s more, if your man does something you enjoy in the bedroom, tell him, and he will do more of it. Then, if he subsequently does something you don’t like, it’s easier to say so. It won’t hurt his ego, as he already knows you like other things he does.
Lastly, your partner is more likely to seek to please you if they feel appreciated for their efforts. If they don't feel like what they do stimulates you, they might withdraw, feeling like there's no point in trying as you aren't responding to them.
All men want to be appreciated. However, if someone just came out of a bad relationship or is “feeling older," they may relax quicker and become more confident if you show you appreciate them. Dating after divorce for a man sometimes takes some getting used to. Likewise, if you’ve been in a long-term relationship, an older guy may need reassurance you still like them.
In other words, compliments are essential and work as a real turn-on - both for men and women. So keep them coming.
They want to know you consider them a stallion
When men get older, they know they are, well, older. So they might feel inferior to the younger guys - maybe they can’t get it up as often or can’t keep it up for as long. Showing them that you think they are the best catch in the bunch will make them feel like a stallion. After all, the leader of the pack is usually older, wiser, and more attractive because of it.
This is similar to showing appreciation in the bedroom. Only now, you're showing appreciation all around. This is particularly important if you're a younger woman dating an older man.
We spoke to Celeste Hirschman, MA - Co-Founder of the Somatica Institute of Sex and Relationship Coaching, who told us: "One of the biggest pressures men experience throughout their lives is the feeling that their partner is expecting them to have an erection immediately and throughout a sexual experience. For older men, this can become even more stressful. The older men we talk to always tell us how delighted they are when a partner doesn't measure their attractiveness based on his erection. I remember one client said to me, 'I had this one lover who told me right off the bat that she didn't care whether I had a hard-on or not. I can tell you right now that just hearing that helped me relax so much, and my body actually responded much more to her just because I didn't feel any performance pressure.'
"Another thing that older men really love is a partner who is not afraid to interact with his full genitals. Younger partners will often only touch, kiss or lick the head or shaft of the penis, but bringing light touch to the balls or pressure to the perineum during manual or oral sex can create a much more holistic or fulfilling set of sensations for an aging partner who might need more stimulation to get fully aroused.
"Finally, older men generally celebrate a woman who is fully self-expressed as a sexual being. If you know what you like and give your body full permission to move, make noise, use toys or stimulate your own body all over, whisper fantasies or engage in the dirty talk that really turns you on, it will be a huge turn on for him as well!"
Be willing to need him
Men want to feel like you need them. Women today have, thankfully, been raised to be equal with men in most cases. And we are. But we are also different. Men easily amass double the muscle mass we do. Men usually don't get as cold. Men tend to like mechanics more, though that isn't a given.
As women, we all know that we can either fix the car ourselves or get a mechanic to do it. We can open the jar ourselves or use a jar opener. We can put on an extra sweater or go inside if we're cold. However, we could also let the man feel like the protective male he wishes to be in all three examples. We can let him fix the car (if he knows what he's doing!), open the jar, and lend us his jacket.
Letting a man open a door for you doesn't show that you are inferior. It just shows that you allow him to be the gentleman he wishes to be. It's an ancient ritual of showing respect, nothing that suggests you can't open a door yourself!
This is no excuse to turn into a helpless person - that's another thing entirely. But allow your man to sometimes feel like a giant protective bear who gets to safeguard you. It's a biological instinct. When fulfilled, it tends to make a man feel like a man and more sexually attracted to you.
As we grow older, we can be very standoffish, telling men “we can do it ourselves” and showing off our independence. Do show your independence - that’s sexy too - but allow a man to assist you. After all, you do like to fuss over a man from time to time, don’t you?
Talk about it
Some men reach their 50s and 60s feeling like they are finally confident enough to try all the things they didn’t try in their younger days. Some men do the polar opposite - they tried all the wild things there were to try when they were younger and now want to chill.
Whether you just met someone or you're in a long-term relationship with someone, it's essential to talk about your sexual needs. Be open about what you both have tried, want to try, and don't even want to consider. Try to keep an open mind - don't break your boundaries, but be willing to expand them so long as you feel safe. Stepping out of your comfort zone can bring a whole new level of satisfaction, so long as you do it at a comfortable pace. Take small steps.
Remember foreplay
While telling your man he's handsome and that he turns you on is a form of foreplay, you need a bit more to heat things up between the sheets. When men age, they don't always "get it up" as easily. Some good foreplay can help with this.
Does he like oral sex, is he into sex toys, or would a sex game turn him on? Would tickling him with feathers or giving him a massage get him in the mood? Are latex and leather his thing, or does he prefer lace and ruffles? Would naughty sexts help him get ready for a romp in the bedroom? Or would the two of you perhaps like to read aloud from "Fifty Shades of Grey"?
Remember that you can get as dirty as you wish with the above or keep it quite vanilla. What some people consider a naughty text is what others might feel is a bit cheeky. You and your partner set the pace together.
Check the mood before you initiate sex
While a man in his 20s tends to be up for sex at any given time, an older man might not. Family and work responsibilities and long days filled with activities can make him feel tired and "not in the mood." That, in turn, might make him feel like he lets you down, and he can get embarrassed about that. His embarrassment might lead to him refusing you angrily or trying to have sex but worrying he might not get it up.
We all want to surprise our partners from time to time, but it's wise to give a heads up when it comes to older partners. So, send a text a couple of hours beforehand to check if he wants a sexy date that night. Or start with a simple massage and see if he wants to take it further.
Also, talk about these things. Ask when he’s the most up for sex. Ask what gets him in the mood. Check in to see if he’d like a surprise from time to time. Even if he says he wants sexy surprises, tell him it's OK to say no on the day, too. Even if we like surprises, there are times when we aren't up for them. If you both talk about these things openly, no one will get offended.
Set the tone
As mentioned earlier, men need to feel wanted. He will feel wanted if you compliment him on his looks, brains, talents, personality, body, and clothes. You need to do this sporadically on any given day. That way, you build a level of sexual tension that's always there because he feels desired by you.
Likewise, you need to insert physical touches into your everyday lives - a kiss here, a slap on the bum there, a tickle or a hug. That way, there's always tension sizzling. Of course, some couples need physical intimacy more than others, but add it here and there even if your man isn't someone who needs it 24/7. Just be sure to check if he's OK with public displays of affection before engaging in those.
You can also send text messages or leave your partner naughty notes in places where he will find them. This is another thing that can help keep both romance and your sex life alive if you alternate between cute loving messages and more fiery ones.
Confidence
Older men often expect a woman to be confident in the bedroom. You’ve both had time to make mistakes and survive them. You've both had sexual relations for years. You know you’re OK even if you have disastrous sex from time to time. You know that you won’t always be in the mood, so if you initiate something and he turns you down, that's alright - it's not a sign you aren't desirable. You've grown in that you know yourself better. You know what you want in the bedroom. You're confident you can satisfy a man.
Of course, this may not be you. Maybe your man is not your own age, but older than you. Maybe his sexual needs are vastly different from yours, making you feel inexperienced or out of your depth. Maybe his previous sexual partners have been wild, and you prefer something a bit calmer in the bedroom.
All sexual relationships are different, and you have to be confident being who you are.
If you don't feel confident, start exploring. Ask yourself what you'd genuinely like in bed? Read dirty romance novels, look up tips online, and get books about sex. Find inspiration that can help open new doors, as well as affirm what you already know. Become confident about your sexuality.
Additionally, you need to become confident about your sensuality. No, you likely no longer have the body you did in your 30s. Nor does a man expect you to. Dress in things that make you feel sensual. Indulge in activities that make you feel desirable. If you feel sensual when wearing a particular dress or sitting in a candlelit room, indulge in that. And when looking for body ideals, focus on French paintings instead of Hollywood models.
If there’s something your partner wants to try that you genuinely aren’t confident about, then be open about it. Become OK with not being confident. Once that happens, you’re officially confident about not being confident! We can’t know and have experience in everything.
And, on that note, if you aren't that sexually experienced, then become OK with that. Look upon it with enthusiasm - you still have so much to learn! And do the above - find out what you like, what makes you feel sensual and sexy, and get ready to learn more with your partner. Be confident with where you're at instead of measuring yourself against some imaginary goal. Sex is mainly about compatibility - just as finding the perfect partner is about compatibility. So, yes, you need to learn communication and people skills, how to navigate a great relationship, and be willing to learn about what sexually excites you and your partner. But beyond that, it comes down to matching personalities. If you aren't a fit, it isn't a judgment of your character, so don't take it personally. Just keep striving to learn about the above and have faith that you will meet someone who is a match for you. Never try to become someone you are not.
Remember your partner chose you for who you are, even if you're entirely different from his previous sexual partners. And if he used to date young women and now chose you - an older woman - then he did that for a reason. The most likely reason is that he likes you as you are.
Create romance and intimacy
Often, when we are a bit older, we seek romance and intimacy. We look for people who dare to get naked with us in more ways than one. People who are present and seek to understand us and surprise us with romantic gestures we genuinely enjoy instead of creating the kind of experiences they want. People who are willing to open themselves up to us.
Creating romance and intimacy is usually the prerequisite for good sex. So put on some makeup or nice clothes and a dash of perfume before seeing your partner next. Set time aside for romance and intimate moments.
Try something new
If you’re in a long-term relationship where you already feel like you know the other party inside out, make an effort. Ask if there are new experiences they'd like to try? Ask them questions - appreciate that the person in front of you is changing daily. Instead of presuming you know everything about them, imagine you don't. Ask them how they feel about their work and life, what they'd love to do this weekend, if they have dreams they haven’t shared with you, and if there are new experiences - life and sexual experiences - they’d like to try with you?
New experiences often bring new growth and excitement to our relationship with someone. And trying new experiences outside the bedroom often leads to you bringing a fresh zest of life back to the bedroom.
